"My medical records show two pregnancies and one child."
"I felt like something could have been done and wasn't. I blamed the nurses and doctors I saw. I blamed God. I blamed myself. They kept saying everything looked fine. Even though I had seen my baby on ultrasounds a couple separate times moving around with a heartbeat, it didn't end up being fine. They said to not worry about a little drop of blood now and then, but I knew something wasn't right and didn't know what questions to ask, what tests to request. I felt like I could have saved you. I was told on a Friday that you were gone, but I still tried to keep you. I would lay on my back with my feet up, thinking that gravity would keep you in place.
On Sunday morning you left me. Your father had to go to work and I labored on my own. Feeling you go was extremely painful, my body was in agony and my heart was shattered. I didn’t know what to do with you. You were still so tiny you didn’t yet look like a baby. Knowing that there was no life in this flesh, I held it in my hand for a moment, then flushed it away. I felt that keeping your loss a secret would make it easier to accept. Fear of experiencing this again cast a dark shadow over my next pregnancy. However, it is because of you that I pushed for tests and found the answers we needed to help keep him here. You have a brother. He came just over a year after you left. My medical records show two pregnancies and one child. I hate that I must explain this every time I see a new doctor. When people out in public see me with your brother, they ask, “Is he your first?” I know it is an innocent question and yes, he is the first child I’ve raised, but my heart always skips a beat because I know there is one who came before him. You will always be on our minds and in our hearts. " -Kaelee D.