"I had purpose, hope and strength I'd never known."
"Armani means “Faith,” and Justice comes through God alone. The double lines were pink, but in my dreams I saw blue; thoughts of a baby boy filled my heart with joy. You weren’t planned, we weren’t ready. The fear in people’s eyes caused an anger in my soul. They were more worried about MY failing health than welcoming you to this world. Our lifestyle was unfit, but from the moment of awareness my world turned upside right. I had purpose, hope, and strength I’d never known. I couldn’t wait to know your gender, but the appointment wasn’t right. I’m not a quiet person, but I’d never been so still; never prayed so hard! I read the ultrasound technician’s face, strained to hear a heartbeat; waited on pins and needles but the results 2 days later weren’t good. They labeled you ectopic, there was nothing they could do. I argued, pleaded, screamed and cried. The Methotrexate was supposed to end the pregnancy, but it didn’t do the trick. 2 weeks later as I was drowning in a sea of grief I was hit with weakness, dizziness, so much blood… I needed to be carried off the bathroom floor to the E.R. once more. My fallopian tube had ruptured. It was a terrifying blur, but the scars on my stomach remind me daily that though others may have forgotten, you were once a part of me. My body may have rejected you darling, but know that my heart never could! Recovery was supposed to take weeks, but I couldn’t leave the bed for months. My body was empty; my soul, so cold. With an autoimmune disease and my first born robbed of their precious life, the downward spiral almost ended mine too. In a life-changing night, our gracious God spoke. He told me I’d be a mother again. That I was to turn from the path I was on because I was called to be a voice for the voiceless. I’ve learned that in every mess there’s a message; in every test, a testimony. Because of you, I know the depth of true love. Because of your sister Addisyn, I’m healthier than ever and here to tell the story today. I feel you more than ever as I share your story with those who relate. A.J., my Angel baby, please know how much you’re loved until it’s Mama’s time to come home."