“My body failed me. I would never hold his hand, watch him grow up, or hear his voice. Never is a long, long time.”

“My body failed me. I would never hold his hand, watch him grow up, or hear his voice. Never is a long, long time.”

“Losing my son, Gabriel, is the type of pain I would never wish upon anyone. The moment the doctor uttered the words “missed abortion”, I was angered. I didn’t have an abortion. I actually wanted my child. I didn’t appreciate his correct medical terminology. I felt empty as my son’s body lay inside of me but his heart was not beating. My D&C was scheduled for four days later to remove him from my womb. My body failed me. I would never hold his hand, watch him grow up, or hear his voice. Never is a long, long time. I paced back and forth yelling at God. I needed answers but I received none. They didn’t exist. They still don’t. Not only was my heart broken, but my soul was crushed. Breaking the news to friends and family was a different, new pain. I cannot tell you how many times I was told “everything happens for a reason” **insert eye roll** The worst comment came from a family member: “You just aren’t meant to be a mother yet. You aren’t ready.” So what is emptiness? It is seeing other pregnant women and their happy little lives. It is forcing a smile through unwanted sympathy. It is sitting down to eat a meal and losing your appetite. It is feeling guilty every time you crack a smile or laugh at someone’s joke. It is seeing other little boys Gabriel’s age and wondering who he would’ve been. It is knowing that, as a mother, I couldn’t fulfill my #1 job of protecting my child. It was not allowing myself to form a bond with my second baby during my pregnancy until she was born because I was afraid to lose her too. She is now 1.5 years old. I often find myself wondering if she met her big brother before coming to earth. He is her protector. Her angel. For that, I am grateful ”

“She has made me into the person I am today. A person who judges less, understands more, and truly appreciates every little thing in life. “

“She has made me into the person I am today. A person who judges less, understands more, and truly appreciates every little thing in life. “

"I couldn’t wrap my head around what was going on; why was it happening to me, to my family? What did I do wrong?”

"I couldn’t wrap my head around what was going on; why was it happening to me, to my family? What did I do wrong?”

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