“I was confused and the look on her face made me panic."

“I was confused and the look on her face made me panic."

“June 30th is a day that I will never forget, the day that I lost a part of me. I never imagined or thought that becoming a mother would have been the hardest time I would ever face. I just remember thinking the day I was being prepared to go into surgery that I hoped God would let them both live and be healthy. I got the facts and let reality sink in that they could possibly not be okay. When I got back from surgery and was told they were critical but stable, all I wanted to do was rush to them. I didn’t get to spend time with them their first full day of birth. Maddox was the more stable twin at the time and didn’t seem to be having any trouble. So that night I was confident and sure that I would see him later. It was the first night that I went to bed early, at around midnight I got woken up by my nurse. At first, I was confused and the look on her face made me panic. She whispered, “Brenda one of your babies needs you right now can you get up and come with us.” I got transported by a wheelchair to the NICU, and I’m being surrounded by all of these nurses, it was all a blur. Then they sat with me and explained that Maddox was having problems and they couldn’t stabilize him. I just remember staring at the ground and just not knowing what to say or do I was just numb. Then they asked if I wanted to hold him, he was still alive. At first, I was too shocked and just speechless I didn’t give an answer, but when I saw him in there and the numbers on the machines were dropping, I just asked to hold him. I held him and thought that I was in a dream and that it wasn’t really happening to me. At 2:15 am Maddox Gray Ursua took his last breath, I know he felt my love until the last second. I felt angry with God, why did this have to happen to me, why my son, why my family? I couldn’t come to terms with it for a long time. I would see others with their kids and would just get so mad. Having people come up to me or even text me things about how sorry they were would make me mad because no one understood my pain or anger. The worst was the comments I would be told, everything happens for a reason this wasn’t meant to be for you. Hearing that made me even angrier because it was meant to be, it was my baby boys. They deserved everything I had and more, but after the anger passed I just remember that Mason and I will always have our angel and Mason’s protector. Til this day I wake up at 2:15 am and I know that’s when Maddox is with me because he heard my heart beat and felt my love with him. Maddox will always be watching us, we will celebrate him every day.”

“I know that reunion will be the best day ever. It will make my heart whole again.”

“I know that reunion will be the best day ever. It will make my heart whole again.”

“[…] I feel a brief sting. It’s a feeling I don’t imagine will ever leave me. In fact, I hope it doesn’t. I’m a different person because of my losses and I can help others because of it."

“[…] I feel a brief sting. It’s a feeling I don’t imagine will ever leave me. In fact, I hope it doesn’t. I’m a different person because of my losses and I can help others because of it."

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