Empty Changes

Empty Changes

“Empty changes. My son, Joseph was born at 38 ½ weeks sleeping. Then they almost lost me too, a uterine blood clot spiked my fever to a deadly 109 degrees…they packed me with ice to bring it down…I remember looking at the clock before losing consciousness and thinking I made it through the first day, then a very alone week at the hospital. Empty at the time was the ache in my arms and longing in my heart to hold my baby. It was the loneliness of grief as my husband was too wrapped up in his own grief to see mine. It was being told I wasn’t “righteous enough” and that was why he was taken. It was a person telling my church family and friends I didn’t want their presence, and a good friend saying my experience “wasn’t that bad, easier than I thought”. It was going home to pack away the precious little clothes, the special “coming home” outfit, the tiny socks and shoes. Piling clothes on the bassinet so I wouldn’t have to see it, then sobbing in the darkest hours of the night. No celebration of a new soul. Empty was the anger, confusion, and sadness my kids expressed to me daily. Slowly life returned to our routine and the pain and sadness dulled to a quiet ache residing in my heart. 18 months later we welcomed a new little girl into our family who did much to push the empty aside with her Popeye grin and sweet patience. 8 years later the empty is still there in feeling someone is missing when we do head counts, the yearly trip to visit his earthen bed in remembrance, not celebration of my son. Watching as children of friends born around the same time as Joseph, pass milestones he never got to experience. Grief still visits, sneaking up, catching me unawares, and washing over me. Empty changes.”

Starting Fresh

“Emptiness is so much sadness and so much pain. Emptiness is feeling like you failed as a mom because you couldn’t protect your first child."

“Emptiness is so much sadness and so much pain. Emptiness is feeling like you failed as a mom because you couldn’t protect your first child."

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