"Would I be a “real” woman? Could I ever be a “real” mother? Am I enough?"
"Empty. Lost. Alone. Sterile. Barren. I found myself sitting in the cold and impersonal rooms of many doctor offices, where I completed countless tests and procedures all alone. All the examinations and practices attempting to leave me with a bundle of joy left me instead reeling in physical agony. I had nothing to show for my efforts but destroyed dreams and a broken heart. Full of discouragement and shame, I began to doubt my defective body. Time and time again I would walk in and wait, surrounded by women with growing round bellies. Each time I would walk out fighting back tears of despair. Tears caused either by the pain of the treatments or the crushed dreams left behind by an empty womb. The hope of adoption of a baby boy brought a breath of fresh air. After walking the journey of pregnancy and delivery with the young woman, I was once again left empty. The adoption fell through and I was left to walk the tiny baby boy I had named Kylar down the hall of the hospital. The baby boy I had fallen so deeply in love with would never know my love for him. I stumbled away broken and still very infertile. The infertility and pain went on for years until a questionable mass and extreme pain found me the recipient of a hysterectomy. No warning, just another dream shattering procedure. This one ended all my hopes that my miracle would ever come. My questions and doubts grew. I now discovered myself doubting if I had value as a woman. Would I be a “real” woman? Could I ever be a “real” mother? Am I enough? Will I be seen as a weak, broken and hollow shell? Now that I am “Forever Infertile. I felt this way until I surrender completely to my Lord. This is still the struggle I face, but I will continue to surrender daily. “After all my strength is gone. In you, I can be strong. I look to you. And when melodies are gone. In you, I hear a song.” (I Look To You by Selah) * Romans 12:12 Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer."