"I couldn’t wrap my head around what was going on; why was it happening to me, to my family? What did I do wrong?”

"I couldn’t wrap my head around what was going on; why was it happening to me, to my family? What did I do wrong?”

“Emptiness: emp·ti·ness
noun
1. The state of containing nothing.

This definition hits straight on of my emotional state most the time. I went from creating a life, to mourning it days later. My miscarriage occurred back in November 2016. This was mine and my husbands planned baby; as our first, our amazing son, was a surprise that the Lord knew we needed. My husband and I were gleaming sitting at my first doctor’s appointment, knowing that we get to hear and possibly see our baby for the first time. I WAS SO EXCITED; up until our world came crashing down beside us. They couldn’t hear a heartbeat; and when they did an ultrasound they couldn’t find a baby. My miscarriage was a little different than most. It’s called a blighted ovum miscarriage; where I had gotten pregnant, formed a pregnancy sac, but for some odd reason my baby stopped forming early on. I couldn’t wrap my head around what was going on; why was it happening to me, to my family? What did I do wrong? If you know me; you’ll know i’m research freak. I researched if there’s some way I could still be pregnant, why blighted ovums happen, and most importantly why miscarriage happen to women all around. In my case, I read that blighted ovum miscarriages occur when the baby’s chromosomes align, and there was something off. Whether it be a mental or physical abnormality, and our bodies stop the baby from forming. From there I felt some sort of ease as I knew that the Lord had a reason behind all this pain we were experiencing. But with that ease I still feel empty. Now that my due date is around the corner (June 5th, 2017); I feel it more and more especially when I see others who were pregnant around the same time as I, get ready to have their babies. I’m so happy for them all, but resentful, and once again empty because I don’t get the chance to meet my baby, other than in heaven. I still have hope for myself and my husband that we someday conceive another baby; and give our son a little brother/sister in the physical world; he would be such an amazing big brother. We have learned to accept what God has taught us with our miscarriage and are living life to the fullest; and are always keeping the memory of our baby alive.

“I will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born, says the Lord.” Isaiah 66:9″

“My body failed me. I would never hold his hand, watch him grow up, or hear his voice. Never is a long, long time.”

“My body failed me. I would never hold his hand, watch him grow up, or hear his voice. Never is a long, long time.”

“I may be empty-handed, but my heart has never been so full.”

“I may be empty-handed, but my heart has never been so full.”

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