"And some days the jealousy and bitterness over how unfair our situation is turning me into a person I don't even recognize."

"And some days the jealousy and bitterness over how unfair our situation is turning me into a person I don't even recognize."

We were gifted a beautiful 6 months and 2 days with Amelia, time we once thought we'd never get. 

Amelia was born beautiful, perfect, and not breathing. She was life-flighted at 1 day old to the amazing NICU team at Kadlec where they determined she was having unexplained seizures. But with the help of medication every 12 hours for the foreseeable future, she would be okay. 

Fast forward 6 months and Amelia was no longer having seizures or on medication, she was a thriving beautiful happy baby girl. But on October 13, 2016, our life as we knew it ended. On this particular day, Amelia was experiencing very ragged unsteady breathing which landed us in the ER. 

It was like being hurled back in time. There were nurses and doctors rushing in and out, code blue was called, and my husband and I were huddled in the corner sobbing as our girl lay motionless in the midst of it all. Amelia and I ended up on another life flight, this time to Sacred Heart's PICU. 

We were told her lungs were filling with fluid, her heart would not keep a regular rhythm, and repeated attempts at resuscitation had left her with internal bleeding

- - There was nothing else they could do-- 

I remember letting out the loudest, deepest wail I had ever produced, I just could not process what was happening right in front of me. The nurse wrapped Amelia in a blanket along with the tangle of cords, wires and smeared blood that left my daughter almost unrecognizable. I held her lifeless body in my arms, weeping and watching the heart monitor until she was gone. 

Somedays the pain of losing Amelia is so strong that my heart literally aches inside my chest. And some days the jealousy and bitterness over how unfair our situation is turning me into a person I don't even recognize. But not a day goes by that I don't think and pray for our sweet girl and thank God for every single day we had with her. 

We know Amelia's life, and ultimately her death had a very real purpose in our lives. She was more than our daughter. She has changed how I parent, how I love, and how I will live my life. I will forever be grateful that God chose me to be the mother of Amelia Shirley Grace Harpster. 

Miscarriage #3 took place exactly 5 years to the day after miscarriage #1. Innocence lost.

Miscarriage #3 took place exactly 5 years to the day after miscarriage #1. Innocence lost.

"Sometimes life is harder than you think it will be. You taught me that."

"Sometimes life is harder than you think it will be. You taught me that."

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